Monday, September 29, 2003

Former (non-Geri) Spice Girl in "bloody good solo single" shocker!

I have a confession to make. I really liked Emma Bunton's first album. There, I've said it. I know it was a bit Dido-lite (*shudder*) in places, and the singles didn't set the chart alight, but I still liked it.

For a while it seemed like the Dumper had reserved her a special seat (right next to Melanie B, alongside the other reserved seats for Victoria and Melanie C. Geri's seat was set apart, largely because she was expected to arrive in the Dumper much later, and also because not seating her with her former bandmates just made good business sense), and her comeback single Free Me was to my mind bland and verging on atonal.

But new single Maybe is bloody brilliant. It's like a showtune, only it's not actually from a musical, which instantly makes it 100 times better than all the songs from musicals. And it has a "ba ba ba ba ba ba" backing which adds more bonus points. And the video's hilarious, but knowingly so.

Good job, Bunton. We'll tell the Dumper not to expect you just yet. In fact, tell you what, give us a few more corking singles like this and we'll cancel your reservation altogether, there's a good girl.

Saturday, September 27, 2003

(Pop) Justice prevails!

Peter is out of Fame Academy at last. Hoo-bloody-rah.

Thank you to the general public for not voting for him, and to Alex and Alistair for not liking him. Goodbye Peter, don't let the door hit your total lack of talent on the way out.


"Gay Boyfriend" by The Hazzards may be the best novelty record ever. Well, the best novelty record since "Barbie Girl", anyway. I think they might be labelmates with the Fast Food Rockers, though. That must really piss the FFRs off, to know they're not even the best novelty act on their label. Still, they've always got those careers in McDonald's to go back to, haven't they?

(Apologies for the lack of an Obscure Buff Hottie yesterday - due to a work-related crisis I couldn't update the blog. And I still don't have any pictures of Jeremy from Peep Show yet, and I'm loathe to close Obscure Buff Hottie week without him.)

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Obscure Buff Hottie? Moi?

So as not to disappoint all the Obscure Buff Hottie fans out there, I've moved tomorrow's Obscure Buff Hottie forward a day while I'm waiting for a revelation regarding the hottie from Peep Show.

Thursday's Obscure Buff Hottie: Tom Lenk

Tom Lenk played Andrew Wells in the sixth and seventh seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Andrew began life as part of a geek-villain trio, but became a sort of Scooby Gang member in season seven, much to the chagrin of Xander et al. Andrew was monotonal and obscenely self-involved, but was disarmingly cute with it. And he was a gayer, even if he wasn't actually aware of this.

(Interesting facts: Tom Lenk appeared in an earlier episode of Buffy as one of Harmony's minions who wanted to kill Dawn - hell, didn't we all - and also had a minor role in an episode of the second season of Popular.)

Disastrous Obscure Buff Hottie Catastrophe

I wanted today's Obscure Buff Hottie to be the guy who plays Jeremy in Peep Show on Channel 4. But I can't find any pictures of him.

I need one of my loyal readers to help. Please?

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Obscure Buff Hotties, much?

Yep, it's that time again. Though frankly I don't see how it can ever not be time for Obscure Buff Hotties.

Wednesday's Obscure Buff Hottie: Ryan Reynolds

Yes, it's the lovely Ryan Reynolds, star of US sitcome Two Guys and a Girl (formerly Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place) and the movie Van Wilder: Party Liason. I didn't watch the movie because it looked rather duff (although frankly Mr Reynolds there is still enough of an incentive to watch it if you ask me), but Two Guys and a Girl, currently airing on Trouble in the UK, is rather good. Ignore the duff title (much as you did with What I Like About You, hopefully) and concentrate on the witty script and the abundance of buff hotties. Try and catch a Hallowe'en episode if you can; they have to be seen to be believed. Or rather, disbelieved.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Ambassador, with these Obscure Buff Hotties you are really spoiling us...

It's time for another Obscure Buff Hottie, I know you can't wait. Today's is slightly less obscure than yesterday's, but by way of a hilarious mix-up, I found his picture whilst searching for someone else's, and didn't have the heart not to include him.

Tuesday's Obscure Buff Hottie: Christopher Gorham

Christopher Gorham plays (or should I say played) Harrison John in the sadly defunct and much-missed US high school drama Popular. Notable moments of his on the show included when he bleached his hair to show support for his female friends (and looked propa buff lol omg), and when he turned "evil", after being seemingly possessed by the bone marrow of über-bitch Nicole Julian (which made us a little bit hot under the collar). You may also have seen him appearing in Saved by the Bell: The New Class (although we appear to have missed that particular episode), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (playing the ghost of a Sunnydale High student from the 1950s), Sky One's recent sci-fi drama Odyssey 5, and as convenience of numbers would have it, in Party of Five. We didn't watch this show, but we're reliably informed his character turned out to be a gayer. Hurrah! Christopher Gorham, we salute ye.

Monday, September 22, 2003

It's Obscure Buff Hottie Week! Yay!

In case you hadn't realised, I spend a lot of time watching obscure television programmes, thinking about obscure bands, and well, generally being rather obscure. And it has come to my attention that there are a number of buff hotties out there that frankly just aren't receiving the exposure they deserve. I feel it is my right, nay my duty, to bring them to you, the Panda Pops buff hottie loving audience. So let's have Obscure Buff Hottie Week, with a different buff hottie each day!

Monday's Obscure Buff Hottie: Simon Rex

This is Simon Rex. He plays Jeff in What I Like About You, which, despite the awful title, is an endearing sitcom currently showing in the UK on Nickelodeon, also starring Amanda Bynes, The Mighty Jennie Garth, and That Bloke From City Guys. Now, isn't he lovely everyone? Say ahh...

If you have a suggestion for a future Obscure Buff Hottie, please e-mail me at the address in the sidebar. I may not have enough ideas to sustain a whole week of this.

Saturday, September 20, 2003

It's funny the people you bump into doing everyday jobs to supplement their celebrity earnings...

The Adventures of Avril Lavigne: Substitute English Teacher

Avril enters the class. A rowdy class of 14 year olds come slowly to order in a haze of teenage horniness grudging respect.
Okay, class. Take out your copies of Great Expectations. I want you all to work hard today, because Miss Thripp is to set you an exam in three weeks. The exam will be complicated, and this is good. The sooner you learn that everything in life is complicated, the better. Then you can leave school, and wear a tie with no shirt, and pout a lot.
Yes, Boggins?
Why is life so complicated?
It just is. Don't ask pointless questions. Now open your books to page 43, and read to the end of the chapter. In silence.
The class reads to the end of the chapter. In silence. Avril Lavigne: Substitute English Teacher puts her feet up on the desk and plays absentmindedly with her chewing gum. Eventually, most of the class finish the chapter. Boggins puts his hand up again.
Yes, Boggins?
We've finished, Miss.
A pause. Boggins puts his hand up yet again.
What IS it, Boggins?
Are we going to discuss it now, Miss?
No, that won't be necessary. Your managers will be along in a moment to tell you what you think about it.
Managers, Miss?
Yes, you know, managers. The ones who make all your decisions for you. I'm sure any moment they'll be along to tell you what you think. Some of your views will be very outspoken, but don't worry: it's fine because it's rock 'n' roll. And you'll get to wear just a vest, even when it's cold.
I don't think that's how an English class works, Miss.
Don't be silly, Boggins, of course it is. I'm the teacher, I know what to do.
There is a silence across the classroom.
Yes, Boggins?
Can we not just start talking about it while we're waiting for them?
You know, talk about what we think of the book?
I don't follow.
Our own opinions?
Still not with you.
Never mind.
They do seem to be awfully late. I'll tell you what, I'll throw Miss Thripp's lesson plan out of the window. And not just because it's rock 'n' roll. Let's go and do something really anti-establishment. Let's go and throw Tinker Toys into the fountain at the mall. BRING IT DOWN FROM THE INSIDE!
Whatever you say, Miss.
A bell rings.
Perhaps next time, Miss?
The class starts to get up.
Where are you going?
To our next lesson, Miss.
Don't be silly, your managers haven't been here to tell you where to go yet. You can't possibly leave. Sit down.
But, Miss...
Sit down and wait here! That's an order, Boggins.

And as far as I know, the class is still there...

Coming soon: The adventures of Kelly Osbourne: Part-Time Gynaecologist ("Your vagina. My business.")

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Hurrah! We've won an award!

With a tear in my eye, I'd like to thank everyone who nominated us for The Amy Acuff Award for Funniest Site to Rip Off CFB Goes Pop!

Bloody CFB Goes Pop...I wanted to review more books!

I'd also like to thank Alistair Appleton, Alistair Griffin, Will Young, Siobhan Donaghy, Sam Brown, and all of our other inspirations.

The award-winning Panda Pops...rolls of the tongue kinda nicely, don't it?

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Panda Pops presents: Celebrity Driving School (with Celebrity Driving Instructor: Sam Brown)

Imagine our surprise when we came to book some driving lessons the other day. None other than 80s popstrel Sam Brown is a qualified driving instructor these days! And given the abject failure of her comedy career in those lo-fi dens of comedy CFB Goes Pop and BestWorst, I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and give her a little injection of cash. Here's how it went.

Hi Sam Brown!
Hi Steve! Are you ready to go?
Sure am. Wow, nice car.
How's the comedy career these days? I thought CFB cut you off rather soon, she's a bit mardy that one.
Yeah, what's a girl to do?
Isn't that Alyson Guard's catchphrase?
She stole it from me.
Um, right. So were you pleased that Rebecca did your song on Pop Idol this week?
No, she bloody ruined it.
But don't you think the expos...
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. Can we start the lesson?
Sorry. Right, I'm ready.
Right. I'm going to teach you how to stop.
But we're not moving.
That doesn't matter. Learning to stop is more important.
But I can't stop. I'm inert. It's physically impossible.
You'd better stop.
Uh oh.
Wooooooaooh, you'd better stop!
You're fired, Sam Brown. You're a rubbish driving instructor.
Suit yourself. I'm only doing this gig till my comedy career gets back on its feet.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Shirley who?
Shirley you heard me ringing the doorbell?
Goodbye, Sam Brown.

And that was the last I ever heard of 80s popstrel/aspiring comedienne Sam Brown. Lovely girl.

Panda Pops declares amnesty on Siobhan Donaghy

This is Siobhan Donaghy. She is ace. She has a single out this week, Twist of Fate, which looks set to miss the Top 40. When discussing her on most public forums, you will inevitably (and yet somehow bafflingly) find people who do not like her. Therefore I declare this site to be an official No Derogatory Comments About Siobhan site.

Please feel free to use the TagBoard and comment boxes to say nice things about her. Say un-nice things, and I will delete you. Then I will come and get you.

Friday, September 12, 2003

Ridiculously Gay Moment #495


Sorry about that.

Things that shouldn't be allowed, part 2384b

As regular readers of this blog will know (and they're growing by the day. They are!) I've been looking forward to receiving my Pingu Forever DVD. Imagine my horror to discover that HiT Entertainment, whom I believe bought the UK distribution rights from the original distributors, have replaced the classic original theme tune with something else. It's all rap-like, and loud, and trying to be down with "the kids". And it's awful! Let's all band together and campaign to have the old Pingu theme back...

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Good things happened in the universe yesterday.

Girls Aloud's tops as single No Good Advice won the Popjustice £20 Music Prize yesterday, and rightly so. Comedy suggestions on how they might spend it so far have included: Cheryl's bail money, extra security for Nadine, and chips for Nicola. Please feel free to submit your own suggestions, be they comedy or otherwise, in the comment box below.

In other news, my long-awaited Pingu DVD arrived yesterday, and it is also highly tops as. Pingu was unavailable to comment on the decision of the Popjustice £20 Music Prize jury (and just as well, considering no one can understand a word he says), but we're sure he celebrated by putting Sound of the Underground on in his igloo and sliding around on the floor. And possibly weeing himself.

The latest up-to-the-minute music news!

STOP PRESS: Gareth Gates didn't win Pop Idol! Shocking, isn't it? Were you surprised? I was surprised...

Oh, and in other, irrelevant news, somebody ditzy won a scientific music prize last night, or something.

Monday, September 08, 2003

I look worryingly like Gareth Gates today.

This occurred to me just now when I got in the lift and looked in the mirror.

I too have slightly dodgy, overlong, wannabe mullet hair that curls upwards at the back. I too have a rather flat face with an expression of slight confusion. I too am wearing my shirt open at the waist (though I am wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt underneath, rather than a vest, since I am far too hairy and pigeon-chested to attempt such things).

Photographic proof may follow, if I can be botherd.

EDIT: Okay, I'm willing to tolerate people not agreeing with me on this. I swear my hair did look very Gareth-esque, but my total lack of skill with a digital camera has utterly failed to catch it. The "proof", such as it is, can be found below for those who are still interested. I'll try and recreate the Gareth hair for the people who will see me at the Popjustice Music Prize tomorrow. I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who was expecting a post of intelligence or quality today, you've clearly been sorely disappointed.



Wednesday, September 03, 2003

I want a Fimble.

In particular the one at the front.

They look like excellent pet/child hybrids.

I have been accused of neglecting the buff hotties recently...

...never let it be said I don't answer to my critics.


Monday, September 01, 2003

Celebrity Speech Correction Club! The fundraising starts here!

We're a benevolent lot here at Panda Pops, and we've decided to demonstrate just how philanthropic we are by starting a charity.

The Panda's Association for Nasty Tongue Syndrome (or PANTS for short) is concerned about the poor, lazy speaking habits being practised in the pop world at present, particularly by Mr Gareth Gates. We aim to raise money to have his speech problem corrected - no, not his stammer, just his Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel diction. We hope to raise enough money to teach him the correct pronounciation of the words "baby", "shining" and "smiling". If we raise enough, we may even teach him a few more.

Hopefully we will raise enough money to support some other causes close to our hearts. We'd quite like to give Sean Paul a few elocution lessons too, just to establish whether in Like Glue he is indeed informing us that he is a "nubbly number two".

Other, non-elocution, causes include:
- paying for Lumidee and Dido to learn how to sing in key
- paying for anti-smugness therapy for Kelly Jones
- buying some clothes for Blu Cantrell, who doesn't seem to realise that you can actually cover yourself up in non-pornographic vocations

If you are interested in raising money for these highly worthwhile causes, please contact us here at Panda Pops and we'll send you a fundraising pack.*

*May not be honoured.