Saturday, August 30, 2003

I want to be a superhero!

I do, you know. But what sort of superhero shall I be? Have a keek at the options below, and then cast your vote in the comment box:

The Slayer

The fast-quipping sidekick

The cutesy lesbian witch

The bitch

The Watcher

The tiresome be-souled vampire

The newly human and strangely literal former demon

NOTE: This post has nothing whatsoever to do with me having had a bit of a Buffy marathon recently. Honest.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Does Alistair ever get confused?

I only ask because both of the jobs that I know him best for seem to involve him going into other people's houses and investigating things. But when filming Cash in the Attic, does he ever forget where he is and start commenting that "all that junk will have to go into storage, Ann won't like that"? Similarly, when filming House Doctor, does he ever pull out his calculator to tot up the values of all the junk that they're being forced to throw out?

Do I think about Alistair too much?

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Oops, she did it again...


Here at Panda Towers, Kelly "Twit Girl" Osbourne isn't exactly known for her ability to filter what comes out of her mouth, be it spoken, or erm, otherwise.

You may or may not know that she was due to appear at the Edinburgh Festival this year, presumably to silence her critics (honey, the festival's not that long). But, in true Kelly "Spokesmodel For The Delusional" Osbourne style, she cancelled. However, there were still some jollies to be had in the interviews she conducted with various Festival publications before the cancellation.

Apparently Kelly was "very unhappy" with Shut Up!, the album she released on Sony (her and the rest of the world), since she thinks it was cheesy and not going in the direction she wanted to go (presumably: forwards). If I may paraphrase, she claims that after she recorded her vocals "they put all these cheesy backing vocals on". Apparently now she's pursuing a new record deal, and hoping to make her music "edgier and rockier".

Sigh. Kelly, give it up now. If you really think that More Than Life Itself wouldn't be a mawkish, ludicrously sentimental godawful heap of shite if the backing vocals were removed, then you're even less intelligent than I gave you credit for. Fact: Kym Marsh has more chance of being edgy than you. Fact: Lolly had more credibility. IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. The most credible thing you can do now is retreat back into the cave.

* NOTE: I didn't want Osbourne's sullen face to disrupt the shininess of this blog, so I cunningly photoshopped the above picture to make her smile. Bet you couldn't guess...

Monday, August 25, 2003

I got fan mail! Woo!

I got an e-mail from a nice chap named Andy who claims to be "a semi-regular reader" of the site (that's more than I can hope for from most people!). He's asked me to plug his latest project, as part of his degree in software engineering, and I'm going to on the grounds that it's rather funky.

It's called PopMates and it's basically (please correct me if I'm wrong, Andy!) a dating site that finds you mates based on your pop culture preferences. I rather like it, and it would be cool if people from this site went to have a look, since Andy's clearly put a lot of work into it. And, if you follow this link, you can be linked to my profile! Bonza!

I know this joke's been done a thousand times, but...

Phwoar, look at the antlers on that!

(Thanks to Chris Moose for allowing us to use his image. We hope he will collaborate with us on Panda Pops again soon.)

Saturday, August 23, 2003

I want this:

But I throw open the question to you: am I too old for such things?

Back! Back! BACK!

Hello, we're back, bigger, bolder, and dare I say more Panda-like than ever before!*

We're back from Edinburgh, and rather pleased to be home. Sleep is nice.

We'll resume normal service of Alistair-loving as soon as we can.

Incidentally, in the meantime, why not visit this lovely lady's blog? She's ever so personable, and the female equivalent of a buff hottie, though I haven't come up with a name for such a creature yet (other than FairyCakes, but that doesn't cover what will happen if I find a female buff hottie who isn't FairyCakes, so that's no good). Enjoy!

*Not guaranteed.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

Sweet Dreams, my LA-Exs...

Hello everyone! Just to let you all know there will be a brief interruption in normal service while I'm in Edinburgh this week. Normal service will be resumed next Tuesday.

By the way, message to Benbluetone: my sincerest apologies for the appearance of the letters "FHM" on this page, but it was the only picture of Rachel that didn't keep disappearing every five minutes.

Didn't Alistair from Fame Academy have lovely hair on Saturday night? Yes, he did, the little hottie.

Right, have a lovely week everyone!

Friday, August 15, 2003

What planet are you from?

I, sir, am from a planet where Rachel Stevens has, against all odds, come up with the craziest, and yet potentially bonza-est, pop song of this year: Sweet Dreams My L.A. Ex.

She doesn't really even have to sing very much, and the instrumental backing is thoroughly bizarre, but by golly, it works.

Miss Rachel (and Saint Cathy of Dennis, whose aceness in songwriting knows no bounds, unless you count the very real bounds that was Anything Is Possible), we salute ye.

Proper Jobs For Failed Popstars
Part One: Lisa Maffia

We miss having a special feature now that our top five ugliest boybands have been revealed. So we came up with another.

There have been reports that Lisa Maffia's album First Lady hasn't been selling all that well, so she's an ideal candidate for our first career makeover.

Panda Pops says: Lisa Maffia should be apprenticed to a tailor.

Think about it: she used to work in Next, so she has experience in the clothing retail sector. And we've also made up a kick ass theme song for her:

Who's got the in-seam, keeping it tight?
Liiiiiiiiiiiiisa Maffia!
Remember what they say yah, I'm a tailor
The fabric's in the storeroom and it's taffeta
It's taffeta! It's taffeta!

Note: Panda Pops holds no responsibility for the failure of Lisa Maffia's career in any industry.

It's Friday, it's still number one, it's the Panda Pops Ugliest Boyband!*

For anyone who doesn't know (i.e. quite a lot of people in the UK who didn't give a rat's ass when they tried to launch a career over here), O-Town were the band created by MTV's Making The Band, and in my book they take the ugliest boyband trophy with a hop, skip and a jump ahead of all their competitors. Ick.

How they ever managed to have any hits at all I will never know. As well as being strikingly ugly, they also came across in the show as being utterly unpersonable. And one of them has grown horrible Howard Donald-style dreadlocks that look manky. And one of them's called Trevor. Dan's quite pretty, but in a bland sort of way. So yup, O Town take the cake. Now please go away, boys, you're scaring the children...

*Lawsuit from Top of the Pops pending...

Thursday, August 14, 2003

We apologise for any inconvenience...

...but there will be no top three moments of House Doctor today, because today's episode was only okay.

But Alistair is buff. Lol. Omg.

Ugliest Boybands: Number Two

And what a number two! It's N*Sync:

Perhaps I'm being overly harsh here, but they weren't very pretty, were they? Even Justin looked daft before he shaved off all the curly hair. And Chris was far too old, and Lance was a big shiny old fag (surely?), and Joey Fatone was the most appropriately named boybander ever.

JC was quite cute, though. In a slightly intimidating way.

So who's number one? Find out tomorrow...

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

ASCII cows, ASCII cows, doesn't play with other sows...


Ugliest Boybands - at first we couldn't D-Side who should go third...

...but then we could - it's D-Side!

Admittedly I've chosen a very unflattering picture here, but they cannot escape the fact that even in good lighting, one of them looks like Charlie Busted's alcoholic cousin, another one looks like Jason Biggs' alcoholic cousin, another one looks like Phil Mitchell (who doesn't have an alcoholic cousin, but is a recovering alcoholic himself), one is very bland, and one is Ryan The Attractive One.

D-Side: if they were invisible - well, we'd be quite relieved.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

It can't just be me...

...who fancies Stacie Orrico's "boyfriend" in the Stuck video, can it?

With a surprisingly low debut at number four, it's...

...mum's favourite Irish boyband, Westlife!

Like OTV yesterday, Westlife aren't hugely ugly, they're just disturbingly bland for a boyband. And anyone who saw the comedy golfing attire they wore on Nicky's stag weekend will agree that they're all getting a bit chubby and past their best, and are therefore deeply deserving of their place in this list. Special mention must go to Mark "Fish Lips" Feehily, clearly the ugliest of them all. In fact, if it wasn't for him, I might have left Westlife out of the list altogether...

Monday, August 11, 2003

Exclusive! OTV score Top Five Hit!

Yes, at number five in our top five ugliest boybands chart, it's those lovely hopefuls from Popstars Colon The Rivals, One True Voice.

They get a relatively low-placing because they're not hugely ugly, they're just considerably less attractive than one might expect a boyband to be. And always look like a Burton advert. This will, I'm sure, not cause the boys any distress because they are not a boyband but a Male Vocal Harmony Group. Obviously the harmonies are getting somewhat weaker now there are only three of them.

NB: If Keith leaves as well and Evil Matt and Gaymie go on to become the male tATu as Michael has predicted, then they will be removed from the Top Five Ugliest Boybands list and go straight to the top of the Top Five Best Ideas Ever list.

Number Four will be revealed tomorrow...


Sorry for our absence over the weekend, but parental visits must be carried out eventually.

Normal service is due to be resumed today. Expect the first instalment of our Top Five Ugliest Boybands later this afternoon.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Nee naw! Nee naw! It's the House Doctor!

Here at Panda Towers, we rather like House Doctor, as you might have guessed. We particularly liked this week's hopeful home-seller, Helen, who went along with everything Ann Maurice suggested, but had very sensible views on the whole thing.


1. Helen and her two young daughters having to paint over the wall where they'd marked all their heights from a very young age. My heart wrenched, it did.
2. Helen making the following speech: "I realise my bed is big. But if people can't come in here, look at the room and think, 'yeah, that's a big bed, but mine isn't as big as that, so I'll have this much more room', then I think that's a bit sad, frankly." Helen, we salute you, and your entire outlook on life.
3. The suggestion that Alistair dressed up as Snow White when playing with the kids. We're not pervy at all.

Just to clarify any confusion...

Simon-off-The-Saturday-Show has lovely hair.

Andrew-off-CBBC also has lovely hair.

Glad we've got that sorted.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Official: Panda Pops backs Alex

It's safe to say that we here at Panda Towers have been underwhelmed by the performances of most contestants on the preliminary rounds of Fame Academy this year. Sure, some of the performers were above average (sadly, a lot of them didn't get in) but a lot have been pisspoor karaoke idols.

But tonight we realised there was a reason we had been watching, when the final contestant to "sing for survival", Alex Parks, delivered her rendition of Christina Aguilera's Beautiful. And beautiful it was.

Reasons why we heart Alex:

- She's from Cornwall (where Panda Pops originally hails from)
- She's an angsty female with a guitar who has chosen not to go the Avril Lavigne route
- Her voice has a lovely husky, folky quality
- She's offbeat without being self-consciously quirky (everything *spit spit* Peter wishes to be)
- She has more stage presence than all the other contestants put together
- She's a clown (literally, she works professionally as a clown. Or at least she did before entering the Academy). But not a scary one.
- There's an air of mystery about her.
- She seems the sort who will actually pay attention to the advice of the teachers (something which I'll wager lots of the other contestants won't do)
- As far as we can tell, she doesn't like the Libertines.

Therefore Alex is ace, and we will support her all the way. Unless she suddenly turns crap, in which case we'll probably just start watching Pop Idol. Because we're shallow like that.

The Panda Pops guide on how to win Fame Academy

Going on close studies of the public voting from this series so far, this is the foolproof strategy of how to win:

- Be a bloke
- Give your most banal possible performance
- Sing the most banal, yet crowd-pleasing song
- Exude no charisma whatsoever
- Idolise stupid rock "stars" who are all talk and no talent (e.g Robbie Williams, Kelly Jones)

I can't find any other reason for the public to have voted useless dafties like Barry and Nick in, y'see.

Eek! It's a Panda Pops Special Feature!

Yep, hold on to your hats, we've decided to do a bit of a special feature!

Over the next few days, Panda Pops will be revealing The Top Five Ugliest Boybands Of The Past Decade. We've already drawn up a shortlist, and we're fairly confident of what the top five is going to look like, but because we love our readers so much, we're going to give you a chance to make your contribution.

So, if you have a suggestion of who you think is categorically the ugliest boyband of the past ten years, make your suggestions in the comment box below, or if you'd rather keep your suggestion private, e-mail me in the bush

P.S. Jessica, if you're reading, could you help me? I need someone to point out which member of N*Sync is which, because I only recognise Justin and Joey.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Yep, it's a slow news day...

Who's Your Clueless Love Match?

"Don't tell Cher, because your perfect clueless man is her ex-stepbrother Josh. He's smart, he's sarcastic, he's generous and he's a complete sweetie. He's also quite cute if you get past the bum-fluff goatee and flannel shirts he insists on sporting. Good choice!"

And I only cheated a little bit to make sure I got Paul Rudd.

The new series of Teachers is almost here...

...what better reason for a gratuitous picture of Andrew Lincoln?

He'll also be appearing in the BBC's forthcoming adaptation of The Canterbury Tales, which also features Billie Piper:

and therefore passes The Panda Pops Two-Step Test Of Bonzadom.

Monday, August 04, 2003

Oooohhh, shiny....

Comment boxes have been added for your pleasure. As with the TagBoard, please note that derogatory comments about any man I deem to be a buff hottie will not be tolerated.

Hey kids, health and safety is cool...

I'm quite impressed. During a moment of weakness this weekend, I bought some "accessories" from TopMan in order to make myself look gayer than I already do. Amongst other things, I bought a chain to go on the belt loop of my jeans, and a sweatband for one wrist, because that's what the CBBC presenters the cool kids are wearing these days.

Anyway, I'm wearing my sweatband at work today, and I've noticed a marked improvement in my comfort, as it's cushioning my wrist when I'm using my mouse and keyboard, and balancing out the height difference made by having my watch on the other wrist.

That's me all over: fashionable, yet practical. I'm just so cool.

Neunundneunzig Luftballons...

That heading has nothing to do with the following, but someone was just playing the English version in my office and I wanted the excuse to write "neunundneunzig" in my blog somewhere.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor's gone blonde! Now, I heart La Bextor and she can do very little wrong in my eyes, but I think I preferred her slinky dark bob. Though perhaps I'm just bitter, as a former failed-blonde-convertant.

Mind you, as long as she brings out a discotastic new single very soon, I don't care what colour her hair is. Come back to the charts, Sophie. They're a poorer place without you.

Friday, August 01, 2003

What Famous Homosexual Are You?

Which Famous Homosexual are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

"How spiffing! You're Alexander the Great!

Yeah, baby. You were the King of Macedonia, and conqueror of much of the world; you're responsible for the spread of Christianity, as well as Hellenistic society and even the Roman Empire. Your power was feared for thousands of miles around.

And how gay were you. When you'd conquered Persia, you fell in love with a male courtier from that court - scandalous in those days, because the Persians were believed to be uncivilised barbarians.

You were always really in love with your boyhood friend, Hephaestion, and when he died you were grief-stricken to a legendary degree: convinced that he would live on after death, you passed away soon afterwards."

Cheers to Zbornak for the link.