Saturday, September 20, 2003

It's funny the people you bump into doing everyday jobs to supplement their celebrity earnings...

The Adventures of Avril Lavigne: Substitute English Teacher

Avril enters the class. A rowdy class of 14 year olds come slowly to order in a haze of teenage horniness grudging respect.
Okay, class. Take out your copies of Great Expectations. I want you all to work hard today, because Miss Thripp is to set you an exam in three weeks. The exam will be complicated, and this is good. The sooner you learn that everything in life is complicated, the better. Then you can leave school, and wear a tie with no shirt, and pout a lot.
Yes, Boggins?
Why is life so complicated?
It just is. Don't ask pointless questions. Now open your books to page 43, and read to the end of the chapter. In silence.
The class reads to the end of the chapter. In silence. Avril Lavigne: Substitute English Teacher puts her feet up on the desk and plays absentmindedly with her chewing gum. Eventually, most of the class finish the chapter. Boggins puts his hand up again.
Yes, Boggins?
We've finished, Miss.
A pause. Boggins puts his hand up yet again.
What IS it, Boggins?
Are we going to discuss it now, Miss?
No, that won't be necessary. Your managers will be along in a moment to tell you what you think about it.
Managers, Miss?
Yes, you know, managers. The ones who make all your decisions for you. I'm sure any moment they'll be along to tell you what you think. Some of your views will be very outspoken, but don't worry: it's fine because it's rock 'n' roll. And you'll get to wear just a vest, even when it's cold.
I don't think that's how an English class works, Miss.
Don't be silly, Boggins, of course it is. I'm the teacher, I know what to do.
There is a silence across the classroom.
Yes, Boggins?
Can we not just start talking about it while we're waiting for them?
You know, talk about what we think of the book?
I don't follow.
Our own opinions?
Still not with you.
Never mind.
They do seem to be awfully late. I'll tell you what, I'll throw Miss Thripp's lesson plan out of the window. And not just because it's rock 'n' roll. Let's go and do something really anti-establishment. Let's go and throw Tinker Toys into the fountain at the mall. BRING IT DOWN FROM THE INSIDE!
Whatever you say, Miss.
A bell rings.
Perhaps next time, Miss?
The class starts to get up.
Where are you going?
To our next lesson, Miss.
Don't be silly, your managers haven't been here to tell you where to go yet. You can't possibly leave. Sit down.
But, Miss...
Sit down and wait here! That's an order, Boggins.

And as far as I know, the class is still there...

Coming soon: The adventures of Kelly Osbourne: Part-Time Gynaecologist ("Your vagina. My business.")


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