PORN FOR CHRISTMAS
Due to overwhelming public demand*, we have decided that we will have a go at writing a slashfic starring Jamie and Matt from One True Voice (or, if you prefer, the OTV OTP). We would like to stress that this is in no way an attempt to alleviate flum of his duties, since he has promised to write one as well. This is simply double the slash for no extra cash. Hey, that rhymed!
Anyway, since we are somewhat lacking in what those in the trade call "plot bunnies", we need your help. Basically we would like our reader(s) to comment below with three words that you would like us to use somewhere in the fic. We'll take these as inspiration and write the fic over Christmas, as long as we can be sure to hide it from our parents.
We look forward to reading your comment(s)!
*Well, one comment left on our last post.
THE OTV OTP IS...
Jamie/Matt, with 37% of the vote.
We're still toying with the idea of writing some porn, but the lovely flum over at Talent in a Previous Life has asked if he can write it, and since we know his will be much better, we'd rather he did it.
So, flum, over to you...
NOT THAT WE'RE CYNICAL OR ANYTHING...
...but an article on the BBC News website caught our attention earlier (read the full story here). Apparently a millionaire tycoon has promised to match the proceeds of the sales of the Band Aid single and live DVD. A very laudable and charitable act, we think, and we applaud him for that. But we were drawn to this paragraph:
Mr Hunter said he was inspired to donate the money by a documentary which suggested the situation in Ethiopia had barely improved since 1984.
Really? So the two previous Band Aid singles didn't change the world? So why are we being fed all this crap by Chris Martin and co. about how it doesn't matter that they made a shit song, because what counts is the charity and the fact that they're really making a difference? Shut up, Chris Martin.
It's not that we're not charitable, indeed, we're going to donate some money to the cause as well (but we're going to donate directly rather than buying Band Aid 20, because we don't believe that charity is ever an excuse for making shit records), but why are we being subjected to all of this "we're changing the world" bollocks if it's going to make next to no fucking difference? Is it just so a bunch of "proper" musicians can look like they care? We really hope not, because the cynicism of that very idea makes us feel very sad.
FLY GIRL C IN YOUR VICINITY
Never let it be said that we are less than charitable. In order to distract attention away from such shallow pursuits as who would make the best slashfic pairing in One True Voice, we're going to take a few seconds to do our bit for charidee.
This is Collette. She is a tops-as Oz popstar from some years back, and the good folks over at CFB Goes Pop have taken it upon themselves to promote her international-style. Indeed, they have promised that if 20 websites give a shout-out to Fly Girl C, not only will they sponsor a child in the Third World as part of Scat Aid (itself in honour of the passing of Scatman John, skee-ba-dop-ba-dop-bop), but they will resurrect comedy goldmine The Indie Life for one whole week.
This may not be an original idea, but I thought I'd write a poem to honour Collette.
Oh Collette
We owe you such a debt
You were without par
Oh Collette
You were not a vet
But a pop superstar
We want to adore you
Indeed, we implore you
Come back to us yet
The world of pop needs you
We're sure it would please you
Oh Collette, oh Collette, oh Collette.
Finally - the English degree is put to good use!
SLASH DOT DASH
Gone are the days when, in order to truly "be" somebody in pop, you had to have had sex with Darren Day, or a page three girl, or both. Gone are the days when all you needed to be a successful pop star was a cheeky grin and a selection of shiny outfits. No, in this day and age, the one thing that stands as a sure fire sign that you've made it is when your fans start slashing you on the internet.
Slash, for the uninitiated, is fan fiction featuring two people of the same sex in a romantic or sexual relationship (the term "slash" coming from the punctuation mark used to separate the characters' names, e.g. Spock/Kirk Star Trek slash).
Having got all excited about the Girls Aloud tour on Friday, our thoughts began to turn to those unfortunate lads unceremoniously trounced by the Girls in the aftermath of Popstars Colon The Rivals, One True Voice. They're not getting an awful lot of sympathy, mind, because we happened across an old copy of Smash Hits the other day and found them on the front cover declaring "Forget the girls - we're going to be huge!" and inside adding "we've got more talent in one little finger than the girls have got in the whole band", which makes us think they had it coming, really - and besides, such cheap shots pale insignificance to the legendary (and infinitely classier) "Buy Girls - Bye Boys" campaign used by Girls Aloud.
So, we began to think, if people had cared enough to slash One True Voice, would that have helped? Perhaps somebody did, at some point, but clearly not enough people, because they're not here, and our above (and dare we say utterly watertight) argument proves that the level of slash your fans write is directly proportional to the level of fame you achieve.
We're not going to attempt to write One True Voice slash, largely because it would be icky, and also because we can't write witty slash anything like as good as flum's over on Talent in a Previous Life, but we just thought we'd throw this question out to our readers: if we were to consider writing One True Voice slash, who would be the OTV OTP?
(Again, a little help for the unfamiliar: OTP stands for "one true pairing", and is the coupling generally regarded by fans as the best for slash purposes. For example, the Girls Aloud OTP is widely considered to be Cheryl/Kimberley, whereas Busted's OTP was Matt/James for a long time, although a recent insurrection is trying to prove that it's Matt/Charlie, and that debate looks like it's going to go on for some time, but whatever the answer turns out to be, the chances are that Matt will be involved somewhere.)
So, we thought, why not have a little interactive vote and let our reader(s) decide? And when the winner is announced, well, we might have a go at writing some comedy porn to celebrate - although, to be perfectly honest, we probably won't.
ALL OTHER NEWS IS OFFICIALLY CANCELLED...
...because Girls Aloud have announced their tour, and to be perfectly frank, that eclipses anything else you might want/need to know.
Don't expect any signs of life from us next Friday morning, we'll be too busy trying to get those front-row seats so we can wave our banners at Nicola/Kimberley/Cheryl/whoever is our favourite that week.
