IN MEMORIAM: KENICKIE
We were listening to an old mixtape last night (yes, mixtape, how very vintage) and happened upon an old Kenickie song that we rather loved but had forgotten about.
Then we started to think, "poor Kenickie. So underappreciated in their time, so good for more than two albums if they hadn't split."
We ruminated further, "poor Kenickie. Split after apparent infighting and unhappiness in the band."
We continued, "poor Kenickie. Always at the arch, punkier end of pop but forever misunderstood, with people such as that twat Ian McCulloch listing 'Punka' as the worst new single of the week after he completely missed the point of the song."
And then we realised: Kenickie were the Busted of the 1990s.
So, flash forward to the future, what do we see? Presumably Charlie gets his own show on XFM and does some TV presenting, James and Matt form another band and refuse to answer any questions about Busted, before eventually disbanding after finding that their second band isn't working for them either. Possibly.
IN MEMORIAM: THE BUSTED
Well, we can't say it comes as a huge surprise, but that doesn't mean we're not still very upset at the demise of The Busted.
We could join in with a lot of embittered fans and have a big long rant about how much we hate Charlie right now, make fun of his eyebrows, say that Fightstar are shit and we hope they all die, but we'd like to think that we're above all that, so we'll simply list some of the reasons why we're glad that Busted existed in the first place.
1. 'She Wants To Be Me' is one of the best songs ever.
2. That bit in America Or Busted where James dares Matt to have a shit in CBGB's.
3. The 'Crashed The Wedding' video.
4. The Busted jump. Oh, how we'll miss the Busted jump.
5. Because if Busted hadn't been a success, we'd never have had V.
6. Or McFly, which we would be less upset about if Harry weren't so unbelievably fit.
7. Matt was the reason Nicola from Girls Aloud wrote "I am a rude ginger bitch...botherd!" in Tipp-Ex on her skirt at G-A-Y.
8. All the space that Victoria Newton devoted to "exclusively revealing!" that Busted were to split over the past six months meant that she had less space to fill with all the other crap she pulls out of her arse.
9. Indie snobs had to think up a new reason beyond "they don't write their own songs" by which to hate pop music.
10. The extreme amount of slash fiction devoted to them hopefully suggests that teenage girls of the future will be far more tolerant of homosexuality, thus leading to a drastic reduction in homophobic hate crimes.
And that, as Girls Aloud would say, is that.
IS THAT A BANDWAGON? QUICK, JUMP!
Well, it's a New Year, and everybody's making their predictions for what will happen in pop in 2005. Why should we be any different? We spent the best part of 2004 nicking other people's ideas and passing them off as our own, and we don't intend to stop now.
So, in 2005:
The two most expressive faces in pop, Kelly Rowland and Cheryl Tweedy, join forces and reinvent the silent movie genre.
Rachel Stevens writes a song for Jentina which stays at No.1 for two months, resulting in Jentina's album selling platinum before it's even released, Jentina being named Best Breakthrough Act at the Brits, and Rachel being hailed as songwriter of the millennium.
Dougie and Harry from McFly prove the slash-writers right by admitting that they're lovers.
five launches its new reality TV series, Popstars Idol Academy Factor, where Hear'Say, Liberty X, Will Young, Gareth Gates, Darius, Zoe Birkett, Rosie Ribbons, Jessica Garlick, Sarah Whatmore, David Sneddon, Sinead Quinn, Lemar, Ainslie Henderson, Malachi Cush, Girls Aloud, One True Voice, Javine, Phixx, Clea, Alex Parks, Alistair Griffin, Michelle McManus, Sam & Mark and Steve Brookstein* all spend two weeks in a luxury mansion under public scrutiny to decide the ultimate act formed by a reality TV show. Girls Aloud emerge as the winners. Nobody votes for Clea.
Tony Blair loses the 2005 general election to independent candidate Amy Winehouse.
The twist for series two of The X Factor turns out to be that the finalists will be judging Simon Cowell, Sharon Osbourne and Louis Walsh on their singing ability each week.
V realise the fatal flaw in their marketing strategy and relaunch with instruments and three-quarter-length trousers.
Chanel Cole launches in the UK to universal acclaim.
Rosie Ribbons represents the UK at Eurovision, coming second to a Swedish madam.
First-day sales records are smashed by Siobhan Donaghy's second album.
Annie gets married in Vegas to a childhood friend, only to divorce him 55 hours later.
Interviewers across the UK-wide indulge in a cruel game to see how many times they can say "sit down and shut up" to Joss Stone.
Michelle McManus tries to resurrect her career by telling everyone that the reason she didn't use her surname professionally is because it's really Bedingfield and she didn't want to be seen to be trading on her brother's success.
We accept no responsibility should any, all, or fewer of these predictions come true.
*
NOTE TO PEDANTS: Do not attempt to tell us that we've missed somebody. We don't care.
