Monday, January 03, 2005


Well, it's a New Year, and everybody's making their predictions for what will happen in pop in 2005. Why should we be any different? We spent the best part of 2004 nicking other people's ideas and passing them off as our own, and we don't intend to stop now.

So, in 2005:

  • The two most expressive faces in pop, Kelly Rowland and Cheryl Tweedy, join forces and reinvent the silent movie genre.

  • Rachel Stevens writes a song for Jentina which stays at No.1 for two months, resulting in Jentina's album selling platinum before it's even released, Jentina being named Best Breakthrough Act at the Brits, and Rachel being hailed as songwriter of the millennium.

  • Dougie and Harry from McFly prove the slash-writers right by admitting that they're lovers.

  • five launches its new reality TV series, Popstars Idol Academy Factor, where Hear'Say, Liberty X, Will Young, Gareth Gates, Darius, Zoe Birkett, Rosie Ribbons, Jessica Garlick, Sarah Whatmore, David Sneddon, Sinead Quinn, Lemar, Ainslie Henderson, Malachi Cush, Girls Aloud, One True Voice, Javine, Phixx, Clea, Alex Parks, Alistair Griffin, Michelle McManus, Sam & Mark and Steve Brookstein* all spend two weeks in a luxury mansion under public scrutiny to decide the ultimate act formed by a reality TV show. Girls Aloud emerge as the winners. Nobody votes for Clea.

  • Tony Blair loses the 2005 general election to independent candidate Amy Winehouse.

  • The twist for series two of The X Factor turns out to be that the finalists will be judging Simon Cowell, Sharon Osbourne and Louis Walsh on their singing ability each week.

  • V realise the fatal flaw in their marketing strategy and relaunch with instruments and three-quarter-length trousers.

  • Chanel Cole launches in the UK to universal acclaim.

  • Rosie Ribbons represents the UK at Eurovision, coming second to a Swedish madam.

  • First-day sales records are smashed by Siobhan Donaghy's second album.

  • Annie gets married in Vegas to a childhood friend, only to divorce him 55 hours later.

  • Interviewers across the UK-wide indulge in a cruel game to see how many times they can say "sit down and shut up" to Joss Stone.

  • Michelle McManus tries to resurrect her career by telling everyone that the reason she didn't use her surname professionally is because it's really Bedingfield and she didn't want to be seen to be trading on her brother's success.

  • We accept no responsibility should any, all, or fewer of these predictions come true.

    *NOTE TO PEDANTS: Do not attempt to tell us that we've missed somebody. We don't care.


    At 1:26 pm, Blogger dan said...

    love it!!



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