Thursday, November 04, 2004


Okay, we admit this is getting eerily close to a vendetta, but let's look at it this way. Westlife have gone swing, which is pop treachery of shark-jumping proportions (admittedly, Westlife were pop traitors from day one, but that doesn't excuse them). D-Side are Big In Japan, but nowhere else, so we thought the legacy of Westloife was finally dying a long overdue death.

But no - Simon Cowell, in his infinite wisdom, has now forced Il Divo onto us. Il Divo, the operatic Westlife, who are not attractive or particularly good singers, but appear to be selling albums faster than you can say "Dear God, not again".

So we decided to take a slightly different track in our campaign. Since it looks as though we cannot stop Il Divo, we could at least reform them. You know, turn them around and make them good. Or, at least, less shit.

For example, their first release is a tongue-burningly awful Italian operatic version of Toni Braxton's 'Unbreak My Heart'. This is a huge mistake, since if you are going to cover Toni Braxton, then clearly you should begin and end with 'He Wasn't Man Enough'.

This got us to thinking that there are thousands of songs which, given the cod-operatic treatment, could be quite entertaining. We noticed on Amazon that track two on their album is called 'Mama' - this is almost certainly not the famous Spice Girls track, but it should be! Can't you just hear it, opera-style? Now that's good cover.

They've covered 'My Way' - yawn. Why not cover 'When Do I Get To Sing "My Way"?' by Sparks. Far less predictable, far less dull.

We can't do this alone, readers. We need an entire tracklist of songs that Il Divo could cover in a faux-opera Italian stylee in order to make their presence in the music industry less grating. E-mail us with your suggestions at and, assuming we get any e-mails (which is a fairly foolish assumption), we'll print the best ones up here.

(Also: clicky for the hilarious reviews on Amazon that can only have been written by bored housewives with no taste, or Simon Cowell himself.)


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