Saturday, August 28, 2004


We've got no formal business qualifications (Steve's ex has, but we'd have to be pretty desperate to ask him to contribute to this site), but as far as we understand it, mergers are a fairly good way of forming a more stable force in an unstable and oversubscribed climate. And what "climate" could be more unstable and oversubscribed than Planet Pop (the metaphorical place where all the popstars live, not the Channel 4 programme that used to be presented by Lauren Laverne). It's not been a brilliant year for pop, because despite some truly corking material being released, there haven't been any crossover hits capable of securing a band's future in the same way that, say, 'Freak Like Me' did for Sugababes, or 'Tragedy' did for Steps. So, we thought, why not try to see if the laws of business apply to the laws of pop, and attempt a few mergers? We had a think about which bands could be truly unstoppable if they worked together, and came up with the following suggestions:


PRESS RELEASE: Filling the huge gap left in the council-pop scene by the demise of Atomic Kitten, Fierce Girls Aloud are loud, proud and downright nasty. Formed in the alleyway behind G-A-Y out of a gang of streetwise prostitutes and a couple of guys selling poppers, Fierce Girls Aloud have the kind of edge that just can't be manufactured. Don't expect to see them making nice with Cat Deeley on a Saturday morning, they'd be far more likely to be found backstage having a drinking competition with the crew. Their first single, 'Sex and the City' tells a typically urban story about flirting with boys in discos and then having anal sex with them outside McDonalds afterwards.


PRESS RELEASE: Str8 off da streetz of muthaphukking Compton, The Blazin' 411 Squadron are the most street band you'll ever see. Weighing in with a hefty 14 members, these streetwise Stateside upstarts are here to show all those pathetic British imposters how it's done. First single 'Off Da Streetz', taken from the forthcoming album 'Selling Babies For Drugs', tells the band's own story of growing up on the wrong side of the tracks and fighting for survival every hour of your life.
(Excellent work, Caroline! No one will ever know we handpicked them all from a stage school in Croydon. - Moyra)

3. V CLUB 8

PRESS RELEASE: For everyone who's fed up of pop bands posturing and pretending to be something they're not, V Club 8 will be perfect for you. A boy-girl group consisting of eight boys and four girls, V Club 8 know they're a pop group, and they're on a mission to make pop fun again. They bring with them the pick of the penmanship of the Dennis sisters and Xenomania, along with a nice line in homoerotic dance routi- (Just don't even go there. - The Censor)

We'll keep trying, shall we?

DISCLAIMER: When writing the above press releases, we took a few liberties with the truth. These were made solely for comic purposes and are not meant to be taken even remotely seriously.


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