HOW TO STOP KATIE FUCKING MELUA
Katie Fucking Melua is looking very likely to topple Jamie Fucking Cullum as our Most Hated Utterly Talentless Faux-Jazz Musician On The Planet. Seriously, we can't get away from the woman. I don't know why on earth the new bbc.co.uk ad campaign feels the need to promote its "hear new music here" aspects with Katie Fucking Melua singing 'The Closest Thing To Crazy', since we can hear that godforsaken song in every ad break on commercial television from here to Bratislava, accompanied by The Strap Of Inaccurate Marketing English reminding us how unique her album is. And, more to the point, why is she referred to as a "singer-songwriter"? Her album is full of covers. How people can have the gall to criticise Girls Aloud for not writing their own material and call Katie Fucking Melua a singer-songwriter in the same breath I will never know.
We've decided enough is enough. We want Melua silenced, and we want it now. Ideally we want her smug face and her patented Utterly False Look Of Sincerity removed as well, but that can always be phase two. So here are our top five ideas on silencing Katie Fucking Melua.
1. Taking advice from Lucia Dalury from The Opposite of Sex, stuff that wretched guitar straight up her ass. She'll probably yelp at first, but if we lodge it in there firmly, she should be robbed of speech until she can get it out again.
2. Arrange an interview with her and repeatedly use the words "mutate" and "defiance". Well, it worked on Avril Lavigne.
3. Put her vocal chords up for sale on ebay. As we all know, once an item is agreed for sale on ebay, we would have a duty to provide it, hence we would be legally permitted to remove her vocal chords, by force if necessary.
4. Follow her around with a boombox and drown her out with 'No Good Advice' every time she tries to sing. It might not technically silence her, but at least it will replace her hideous caterwauling with proper music.
5. Hack into that giant international computer that holds everyone's personal information, and change her career to 'Mime Artist'. You know, like Jeremy Northam did to Sandra Bullock in The Net.
If anyone else has any ideas to contribute to the Silence Katie Fucking Melua Foundation, please leave them in the comment box. All suggestions gratefully received.
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