EAMON: DETAINED UNDER THE POP MENTAL HEALTH ACT 2004
We had hoped we'd be able to ignore Eamon's 'F*** It (I Don't Want You Back)' as a novelty song of scant importance, the same way we were able to dismiss the 'Fast Food Song' and 'Bring Me To Life' last year. Three weeks at number one later, and in the almost words of Dannii Minogue, we're beginning to wonder. The boy clearly has tenure at the top of the charts, and we suspect that the only way to remove him from the top spot is to help him deal with his inner turmoil so that he no longer has to project his fears into the medium of song. With this in mind, we've hired one of the internet's top pop psychologists to put Eamon under the microscope.
"Hello, I'm Martha-Marie Hoffenhauser, DPP. Just to give you a bit of background before we begin, my past successes in pop psychology have included Cheryl Tweedy's anger management, Clea's coping with rejection, and Matt from Busted's fear of commitment. I was directed to the case of Eamon by Panda Pops, as they fear for both his wellbeing and that of the state at large. It is a challenging case, but I have never been afraid to tackle a complicated psyche and I don't intend to start now.
"I sense that Eamon is in a lot of pain. There can be no other plausible explanation for the tuneless wailing on this record. It is a primal scream, a roar of anguish. All the swearing denotes a passive-aggressive denial of the situation - Eamon cannot cope with having been ditched by his girlfriend, and therefore he intends to place all the blame squarely on her shoulders. It's a textbook case: phase one - denial, phase two - anger. We get phases one and two in this record, but we do not progress to phase three - acknowledgement.
"Ah, the chorus. After close examination, herein lies the crux of the problem. It is a closely-packed ball of hatred and rebuttal, with the firm statement 'I don't want you back' against an implied softening on the girlfriend's part. This is what is commonly known amongst psychologists as 'the lady doth protest too much'. Clearly Eamon does want her back. If he was really as over the whole issue as he claims he is, there would be no need for this song."
Thanks Martha! There we have it, readers. He does want her back after all. So now we've solved his deep-seated psychological trauma, he can delete the record and spare us any more of this tuneless warbling. And, just so he doesn't have to deal with the tricky issue of royalties earned from such a morally dubious project, we'll stick Martha's bill in the post so he can use the royalties to pay for it. We're all heart that way.
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