Panda Pops

THE FIVE MOST APPALLING THINGS TO HAPPEN TO POP SO FAR IN 2004

1. "RIGHT NOW 2004"
It's not uncommon for popstars to go out with a whimper rather than a bang (see also: S Club, whose 'Say Goodbye' was a tearful and fitting climax for the group, but was no 'S Club Party'). Indeed, it would have been a foolish man who would have bet against Atomic Kitten going out with a whimper, since that's what their entire musical career post-'Whole Again' has consisted of. Well, when they weren't whimpering, they were screeching. It's easy to forget that in their early days Atomic Kitten actually made bloody brilliant bubblegum pop songs like 'See Ya' and 'I Want Your Love', and what better way to piss on the only good memories we have of this musical abimbomination than by remixing their charva-tastic shining moment - debut single 'Right Now' - removing all of the fun and sass and indeed anything that was good about it, and turning it into a hideous dirge. Memo to Jenny Frost: if you really want to prove that Kerry Katona-McFadden didn't contribute anything to the group, this really is not the way to go about it.

2. HOLLY VALANCE'S HAIR COLOUR ADVERTS
Hideous, hideous, hideous. Someone should tell Holly and/or Schwarzkopf that blue hair colouring doesn't look good on anyone, and tag lines like "Thanks, Elton, now it's my turn to sing with Blue" aren't going to change that. I can only assume that particular tag line was approved amid thick reefer smoke on a Friday afternoon, partially because most of us are trying to repress our memories of that particular collaboration as soon as possible, and partly because use of the word "sing" in the context of Holly Valance will inspire nothing but laughter.

3. MICHELLE McMANUS'S NEW VIDEO
It would take a lot for us to feel sorry for Michelle McManus, but her new video is incredibly offensive - to her. All of the glib comments that were made during Pop Idol about how refreshing it would be to have a pop star who was overweight and what a positive role model she would be are made to look slightly ridiculous when the storyline of her video turns out to contain love scenes - for which they hired a skinny, conventionally pretty blonde girl. What a break from the old routine that turned out to be. They might as well have just taken Michelle's record contract away and given it directly to Sarah Whatmore.

4. SAM AND MARK
They're making more singles, you know. Send your favourite methods for taking your own life on the back of a postcard or a stuck-down envelope.

5. THE 'McFLY ARE ONLY FAMOUS BECAUSE THEY'RE FRIENDS WITH BUSTED' SAGA
Oh, who cares? Yes, they're being aggressively marketed as mini-Busted, in effect, but which new pop groups are not aggressively marketed at the very beginning? Busted certainly were, albeit in a different manner. And Westlife certainly owe a large proportion of their fame to the "Ronan is their manager" rumours. If you give a marketing person the choice between a brilliant, original, breathtaking campaign that will require weeks into months of hard graft, or a cheapass gimmick that will exploit an existing demographic with a minimum of effort, they're bound to take the latter option because they're lazy and marketing is a black art (cf. Holly Valance's Schwarzkopf adverts). McFly might be the saviours of pop, they might not, but this "they're just riding on Busted's coat tails" argument is getting incredibly tedious now. So stop it. Especially you, Deeley. We know you've got a Lolly CD hidden in the back of your cupboard.

posted by Steve @ 8:36 pm