Panda Pops

EUROVISON: THE PANDA POPS BLOW-BY-BLOW ACCOUNT

Sorry, we were going to write a proper intro afterwards, but we're exhausted after all that, so let's just go straight to the log.

20:01 Aarg! BBCi just went all blank. That’s what I get for trying to be fancy and interactive.
20:02 What the fuck happened to Sertab’s hair?
20:04 Ooh. New material from Sertab. How exciting.
20:04:30 I’m guessing that’ll be the best-pitched high note we’ll hear all evening.
20:05 How nice of the Pope to lend Sertab his cardinals.
20:06 I’m thinking how much fun it would have been to start with Jemini reprising “Cry Baby”.
20:07 The female presenter appears to be auditioning for a Tom Stoppard play at the National. Terry just told us she made the dress herself. I am not surprised.
20:09 Why are they singing ‘Volare’ again? They did that on Wednesday.
20:10 BBCi gives the lyrics in both languages. How exciting!
20:13 Well, Ramon can have points for a camp dance routine and for being called Ramon, but that’s pretty much it.
20:14 Austria sent some gays. Hurrah!
20:15 First noticeably flat note of the evening from the Austrian boyband.
20:17 Even Hyrise were better than this.
20:19 Norway: I sense a colossal key change coming very soon.
20:20 And there we go.
20:21 Steve Balsamo wrote France’s entry. Sense Of Impending Doom.
20:22 Jonata, the French entrant, is damned hot. Is he hotter than Sakis from Greece? Not sure.
20:23 He could have me on his wobby bicycle with a basket full of onions and baguettes.
20:24 I think Krazy Blazin’ Squad wants his hair back now.
20:25 Serbia-Montenegro’s entry is called “Oh My Fawn”. Titter.
20:27 Except the Eurovision website calls it “My Sweetheart”. Who is doing these translations? I think it was Mr Wogan.
20:30 Finally! Some Europop from Malta. And a shiny pink dress. This is more like it.
20:32 There’s a lot of operatic interludes this year. And worryingly, I’m liking them.
20:34 The Netherlands: to my mind, the main rivals against James Fox in the “old granddads with guitars” category.
20:35 More flat singing. If James Fox stays in tune, he may have the advantage.
20:36 And to complete the dadrockness, “THANK YOU!!!!!!” at the end.
20:37 Did Eurovision really take place in Harrogate in 1982? Us Brits are so classy.
20:38 More dadrock from Germany. No chance of a UK win, none at all. No one will remember us. The only thing we have in our favour is going relatively late in the competition.
20:40 “First time buyer” – Terry’s getting into his stride.
20:41 Albanian lady is practically inaudible, but there’s a pleasing Sugababes-ness about the song. ‘Hole in the Head’ Sugababes, obviously, not ‘Overload’ Sugababes.
20:43 “I’m Queen of the World of Make Believe” – my favourite lyric so far.
20:43:30 Seriously, what is with all the false operatics?
20:45 Xena: Ukrainian Princess. I’m in love.
20:46 I didn’t know Catherine Zeta Jones was representing the Ukraine this year…
20:47 It does sound an awful lot like ‘Kiss Kiss’. Can that trick work two years in a row?
20:47:30 ”Go wild in the country…Cavegirl!”
20:47:45 And now the whips. She’s taking no prisoners.
20:49 Croatia: it’s a lighters aloft moment…
20:50 Despite myself, I’m enjoying this chorus very much. It seems very Les Misérables, and yet that’s a good thing.
20:52 Deen! The gayest thing ever to go to Europe, including me when I was 13.
20:52:15 He’s got a pink vest on! Gay pride!
20:55 To be researched later: is Deen the evil twin of Jon ex-S Club?
20:56 Aw! Look at Europe, all united. Shame we’ll be disparate as ever soon as the voting starts.
20:58 Very few people can pull off yellow. The female presenter is not one of them.
20:59 I never thought I’d type these words, but Belgium! This is more like it!
21:00 This could go down a storm in the clubs with the right remixes, actually…
21:03 Avril Lavigne is representing Russia. That’s nice of her.
21:04 She’s no Kissing Lady. She’s not even Alsou.
21:05 Extra points for backflips.
21:05:30 She sounds like Björk, if Björk were passionless.
21:08 Macedonia: Life is a book. A boring one, apparently.
21:09 Oh, please. Ribbons are SO last year. Or next year, if we’re talking Rosie.
21:10 Greece! Sakis is hot. Even though he’s clearly in love with himself.
21:12 Bucks Fizz just called. They want their gimmick back.
21:13 Clumsy backflip. I give it 6.0.
21:15 And Jake Humphrey here, representing Iceland. White suits are the world’s biggest fashion no-no. Gareth Gates clearly didn’t pass on the memo.
21:17 Jonsi is the second silliest name in the world, after Jonty.
21:18 Ireland: I need them to either win or get nul points if I am to win money. Bryan McFadden wrote this apparently.
21:19 Hmm. It’s not exactly ‘Girls Allowed’, is it?
21:21 Is that D-Side on backing vocals?
21:22 And Suranne Jones enters for Poland.
21:23 The dancing trombones help a little, but the song’s still shit.
21:25 UK next. Normally this would be a point to get excited, but it’s James Fox, so: meh.
21:26 Nice to see that James Fox’s Bryan Adams complex has come full circle.
21:26:45 So that’s what happened to Ron Dixon’s wig when Brookside finished.
21:28 At least his fridge door seems to be closing properly tonight. Goodo.
21:29 Lisa Andreas for Cyprus. She’s a Kent girl. Go homegirl!
21:30 Was Lisa Andreas ever in Clea? She looks like it.
21:31 Yes. She was Lynsey. Thank you Josh.
21:32 Goosebumps. Goosebumps all over.
21:34 And Turkey ruins the mood rather brilliantly.
21:36 This is awful. And not even awful in an amusing way.
21:36:45 The only redeeming factor was the backing track. Someone should give it to No Doubt to recycle and make it into something good.
21:38 Romania: well, at least we know what Spagna’s doing these days.
21:39 Soft porn there. That’s always nice.
21:41 Sweden, the final entrant. A song about bumming, we’ve been unreliably informed.
21:41:30 Well, the first ten seconds of this song were better than most of the other songs in this contest put together.
21:42 This is the disco version of ‘On A Rope’ by Rocket From The Crypt.
21:43 Judging by what she’s doing with that mic stand, it really is about bumming.
21:44 Fucking fabulous, that was.
21:50 Interval act! Will it reach the heights of Riverdance and Aqua?
21:52 Yes. Oh yes.
21:53 If Cyprus win, can we claim victory in a Greg Rusedski sort of way?
21:56 This interval act is starting to outstay its welcome.
22:01 Finally! Results now, please.
22:03 “What beautiful trophy?” indeed. Word, Terry.
22:04 Alphabetical order – how novel. That means we’ll be last to give our results, of course.
22:06 That scoreboard is fucking tiny. I’ll have tunnel vision by the end of the evening.
22:09 Seriously. It’s minute.
22:10 Disappointing showing for both Sweden and Cyprus so far. Hmmm.
22:14 James Fox: now officially less shit than Jemini, as voted by Europe.
22:16 Terry has a headache, I have a headache, we all have a headache.
22:20 Turkey: why?
22:23 Ireland have no points. I may well make some money out of this…
22:24 Terry: James Fox does not deserve four points, let alone more than that.
22:24:30 A slightly better showing for Turkey and Ukraine. Hurrah!
22:27 The countries I voted for are currently 3rd, 4th and 5th.
22:27:30 Not any more.
22:29 Lorraine in Old Compton Street! Yay!
22:30 Alphabetical voting my arse.
22:31 Hooray! The UK finally learned how to vote tactically. Ten point for Cyprus, so we can claim a partial victory. And 12 for Greece, because we’re all shallow gays over here, obviously.
22:34 Sertab in the green room! Not a natural presenter, bless her, but at least it’s not Jemini, so let’s all be thankful.
22:36 Johnny Logan really isn’t ageing well, is he?
22:36:30 Oh, shit! Someone gave Ireland points when I wasn’t looking. There goes my sweepstake.
22:38 Just Norway with nul points, then. Jahn Teigen must be relieved.
22:40 Ukraine take the lead! Now things are getting interesting.
22:43 The guy giving the points for Latvia is hot. He’s very odd, bringing football into the equation, but he’s hot, nonetheless.
22:44 They’re going to Monica now – Monica Cheeky? Monica Geller? Monica and Brandy?
22:44:10 Oh, Monaco. Sorry.
22:46 Is that Sonia giving the FYR Macedonia votes?
22:50 These votes really are taking a very long time. Although it’s only just occurred to me that Turkey is the host country, which might at least suggest why they have so many votes for such an odd song. Thanks for that, Terry.
22:55 Andrea from the Romanian jury looks lovely.
22:57 The Russian lady is very self-important. She looks like Geri Halliwell in ten years times.
23:05 That was such an anticlimax. Since Ukraine were the last to give their votes, you’d think someone would have realised they’d already one and made a bit more of a song and dance (ha!) about it.
23:07So: our political situation is no better than last year. So can we conclude that last year we got nil points because we were shit, and not because of Iraq?
23:13 So that’s it for another year. Hurrah for the Ukraine. Rosie Ribbons for Europe 2005!
23:13:30 PS. Voting British Public: take note, that generic dad songs don’t “do well in Eurovision” any more. ‘Kiss Kiss’ soundalikes are needed these days.
23:16 BBCi takes you straight to the coverage on BBC Three. How nice. Paddy is lovely. I shall leave it here.

posted by Steve @ 10:23 pm