Monday, January 05, 2004

Inspector Panda and the Case of the Missing Alistair

Scream! We were totally unprepared for the shock of finding one of our favourite programmes utterly desecrated this morning. We tuned in to Cash in the Attic as usual, only to find that there was no sign whatsoever of the lovely Alistair Appleton.

The producers of this programme have woefully misunderstood their audience. We do not watch this programme so that we can see senile old bats wearing clothes twenty years too young for them hunting for macramé thimbles in the cupboard under the stairs. We watch this programme so that we can watch Alistair play with his calculator and offer his inimitable brand of camp sympathy when no one wants to buy the limited edition Cliff Richard teapot, so the senile old woman has to resort to selling crack in order to transfer Grandpa's (crap) old home movies from cinefilm to VHS.

When Alistair presented this show, it was ace. Without Alistair, it's just another crap daytime show about antiques. And if we were really desperate to see antiques in the morning, we'd marry Michael Douglas*.

So, the big question begs to be answered: where is Alistair? What has happened to him? Did he run off into the sunset with Jonty, as we all hoped he would? We can assure you that we at Panda Pops will not rest until we get answers.**

*Yup, any excuse for a cheap joke at the expense of Catherine Zeta-Jones.
**It's not that hard, our sleep's been quite disturbed this week anyway. At least this gives us something to focus on.


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