Thursday, December 11, 2003

And the Panda cried: "This madness must be stopped!"

Okay, I've got as much of a sense of humour as the next person, but this is just trying my patience now. I have tolerated the fact that 2003 has been in many ways a disastrous year for chart music, with excellent singles like Sweet Dreams My LA Ex and No Good Advice being held off the top spot, while utter bilge such as Evanescence's Bring Me To Life, the Black Eyed Peas' Where Is The Love? and Westlife's godawful cover of Mandy have triumphed. But enough is enough and this must end now.

Apparently Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne are to be number one this week with Changes. This song is possibly the greatest aberration against music since Simon Cowell said "Rosie, are you okay to do The Winner Takes It All this Saturday?" and I cannot understand how anyone could manage to listen to it all the way through, even once, even as a test of determination. This nonsense must be stopped, so I beg and plead with you, if you have even entertained the thought of buying this awful, awful record, repent now before it is too late, and instead go to the shops and buy two or three copies of Funky Dory by Rachel Stevens, which, despite not really being a patch on her debut, is still infinitely superior to Caterwauling Kelly.

Be warned: there are those who say that Rachel's failure to make the top twenty means an end to talentless no hopers trying to make it in the music industry. These people are fools, for Kelly Osbourne is the most talentless chancer there ever was, and it has been prophesied in at least three ancient documents that if Kelly Osbourne ever has a number one single, the world will end at midnight.

And if you need any further convincing/punishment, watch The Osbournes on Friday. Come on, does that kind of bratty behaviour merit rewarding with a number one? No, it merits suffocation with a kingsize duvet.

DISCLAIMER: Panda Pops does not condone murder of any kind. Though if you were hatching a plot to rid the world of Kelly Osbourne, we'd look the other way and pretend we hadn't seen anything.


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