Panda Pops

Oh good God, another retrospective...

Oh, quit yer complainin'. Everyone else is doing it, I don't see why we shouldn't hop on the bandwagon. That's what pandas do best, after all. We at Panda Pops will remember 2003 as the year where a lot of things went wrong for music - lots of utter bollocks got to number one, and lots of brilliance missed out completely. But fear not, our retrospective will put this right. Something has to come out of this shambles...

Top Five Number Ones of 2003


1. BEYONCÉ - CRAZY IN LOVE

Never underestimate the power of sass. The horns, that booty, the "uh oh uh oh uh oh" - Beyoncé's 'Crazy in Love' was as close to a perfect pop song as we're likely to get. Certainly the best song to get to number one this year, anyway. Never has a song made me shake my ass in the shower and not even care that I'm spraying water all over the walls like this has. Out of all four categories in this retrospective, this was the only category where the winner was miles ahead of the rest of the top five. The Sugas, Will, tATu and Xtina all made a valid attempt, but Beyoncé wins by an ass-mile.

2. SUGABABES - HOLE IN THE HEAD
3. WILL YOUNG - LEAVE RIGHT NOW
4. TATU - ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID
5. CHRISTINA AGUILERA - BEAUTIFUL

Top Five Inexcusable Number Ones of 2003


1. EVANESCENCE - BRING ME TO LIFE

Oh, what a shitshow, as Ché nearly sings in Evita. We've had a lot of utter crap at number one this year, but this was the stinkiest piece of sewage that we had to endure. Everything about this record is wrong - the histrionic vocals, the hilariously melodramatic video, the pompous lyrics, and most of all the fact that the general public seem to think that a woman fronting a grunge band qualifies as originality. Well, hopefully they're disabused of that notion now that Evanesence have released two other singles which sound exactly the same. A little part of me wanted to put Ozzy and Kelly at number one, but at least that one will let us enjoy Kelly Osbourne's future dismay when she can't understand why none of her other records will make the top ten again.

2. KELLY AND OZZY OSBOURNE - CHANGES
3. BLU CANTRELL featuring SEAN PAUL - BREATHE
4. R KELLY - IGNITION (REMIX)
5. WESTLIFE - MANDY

Top Five Inexcusable Non-Number Ones of 2003


1. GIRLS ALOUD - NO GOOD ADVICE

This is Beyoncé's only real rival for single of the year. Go here for a full examination of why Girls Aloud's single is technically superior. Personally, we love it because the thumping surf guitar picks up right from where 'Sound of the Underground' left off, and because the lyrics to this song are yet another example of how you can write a pop song about growing up that isn't patronising and is recognisable. Obviously, it gets bonus points for getting the word "anaesthetise" into its chorus, and for having Nicola speak the final talky line. And the bit in the video where they all flicker and turn into each other is rather fab too - okay, it's a cheap video, but it has aspirations of greater things, and who can blame it for that? The fact that the "Great" British Public chose R Kelly's 'Ignition (Remix)' as the superior single in 'No Good Advice's week of release just goes to show how much the average British IQ decreased during 2003. For further examples of this, look at the results of Pop Idol.

2. RACHEL STEVENS - SWEET DREAMS MY L.A. EX
3. OUTKAST - HEY YA
4. JAMELIA - SUPERSTAR
5. MADONNA - AMERICAN LIFE

Top Five Albums of 2003


1. SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR - SHOOT FROM THE HIP

This was an interesting category, since I found it really hard to choose between the top three, and then I found it hard to find two other albums to fill up the top five. Sophie pipped it in the end, just for being the most innovative, lyrically fascinating, aurally stimulating and moving album I've heard this year. My favourite song on this album has changed so many times, but I can really recommend 'The Walls Keep Saying Your Name', 'I Am Not Good At Not Getting What I Want', 'You Get Yours' and 'Making Music' as some of the tracks that everyone should listen to. Again, the Great British Public in their eternal wisdom decided to buy five couple of Dido's ultra-bland offering and leave this on the shelves, but if you own this album you can rejoice in knowing that you're approximately 98 times more intelligent than someone who bought Life for Rent. Hurrah!

2. SIOBHAN DONAGHY - REVOLUTION IN ME
3. GIRLS ALOUD - SOUND OF THE UNDERGROUND
4. WILL YOUNG - FRIDAY'S CHILD
5. THE CARDIGANS - LONG GONE BEFORE DAYLIGHT

Well, that's our retrospective over and done with. And if you disagree with us? Botherd.

posted by Steve @ 10:18 pm